it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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