I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
