Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the puke drawer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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