dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you win again, gameday.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
