I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
