She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
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I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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