I didn't shave. On purpose
The best revenge is premature balding
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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