lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
