as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
