Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
