I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
