Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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