My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
