Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
