"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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