I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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