yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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