I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
