There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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