well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
