I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
