my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
