planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
