woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
