we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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