u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
