I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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