We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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