Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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