please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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