You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
