We're facebook friends in real life
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I FOUND THE LEGS
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
