The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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