I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
