He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
