okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
