I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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