I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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