I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
