dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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