the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
