My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
