My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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