I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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