By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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