i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
