I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
