She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
