for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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