i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
