dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
