Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
