Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
