if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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