i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
