You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
